Rollercoasters. I used to love the thrill of the click of the tracks. The ascent sent my heart racing. Then, the sudden plunge. My body felt weightless as the force of gravity took over and adrenaline rushed through my veins. Up, down, looping around. In seconds, it was over and I ran to get in line to do it again. 

I’m not sure if it’s age or some other reason, but no amount of convincing (or money) will ever get me to board another roller coaster. I like the steady security of life on the ground — where my stomach doesn’t plummet and my pulse doesn’t race. Give me a road trip across country any day. 

Often, however, my spiritual life has seemed more like a roller coaster than a long, straight road. One day I’m joyful and excited to be a part of God’s work, writing and studying with abandon, the next, I’m in the lowest valley. Scared to move. Doubting my call. Questioning God’s direction. Anyone else?

It turns out I’m not alone in the up’s and down’s of faith. 

I’ve always loved Peter, mainly because I think we’re so much alike. He was passionate in his zeal to obey and serve. Firm in his commitment. But I think fear plagued him in the early days of discipleship. One moment he seems ready to make the climb to amazing heights of faith. Then, in the next moment, Peter’s faith seems almost non-existent.  

Take the experience described in Matthew 14:22-32. Jesus walked out to the disciple’s boat in the middle of a fierce storm. And Peter, bless his heart, wanted to get out of the boat and walk to Jesus on the water. But, reality settled quick. What was he doing? Fear seized Peter, and he began to sink.

Just a few chapters later, Peter hits another high when he confesses Jesus is the Messiah. I can feel the adrenaline rush he must have experienced when he realized that the Rabbi he had given up his life to follow was indeed the Savior they had been seeking for centuries. Then, the nose-dive of fear as he heard Jesus explain what would happen in the coming days (see Matthew 16:21). After a strong rebuke from Jesus, he is one of the privileged three to be allowed to witness the transfiguration. Talk about a mountaintop experience. 

Peter’s life was full of rollercoaster moments. His faith wasn’t stationary. Trust mingled with fear more times than we probably realize. But Peter didn’t slink away and hide when Jesus reprimanded him. He didn’t stop following Jesus because he lost sight of the prize. The concrete reality is that Jesus used him anyway. And Peter was bold enough to keep following relentlessly, no matter how many times he failed.

So often, I allow the click, click, click of fear to drive me to immobility. When I allow fear to rule, I begin sinking into the swirl of my own thoughts and lose sight of all that God has done. That’s the moment I stop. When I can’t see the way ahead, instead of asking God to show me, I freeze. Forward momentum is out of the question. Then, I begin to see only the problems, the lack, the pain around me. My mind stops thinking about the blessings of God and starts questioning God instead. 

But, like Peter, no matter how many times I fall, no matter how scared I am, Jesus is always there to take me by the hand and lift me up. He pulls me forward to moments of startling clarity and allows me to experience the reality of my own faithlessness. But with each twist and turn, I can see growth. 

Maybe that’s what true faith looks like. Not a motionless point of arrival or a straight road, but a journey of loops and drops. These days, when I feel the panic of the familiar weightlessness begin, I stop and breathe. And remember who holds me in his hands.